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Inside and Out

"Tis not too late to seek a newer world." Lord Tennyson tells of sailing beyond the sunset and the western stars. "It may be that the gulfs will wash us down; It may be we shall touch the Happy Isle..." Sometimes, now that I have reached middle age, I feel that I have not even gotten into the boat. I think that I have just been splashing bare foot on the e beach, which is not altogether a bad thing to do. But, there are so many oceans to be sailed, how can I remain satisfied just splashing and enjoying the view. Well, recently I received my boarding pass in the guise of enrollment at my local community college.

I decided to go back to school at ACC (Austin Community College) to study photography for a lot of reasons. I have entered several contests with my photographs and placed with at least an honorable mention in every one. I needed to make some changes in my life: it was important that I end my isolation and become more involved in the things I love. It became clear that photography was in my future through a series of events in the fall of 1993--you know, like signs from the Universal Spirit that guides us all if we would just listen and be aware.

I'm not really good at recognizing those signs myself, but I was bombarded from outside and within. A couple of my pictures won two places out of four (third and honorable mention in the Bastrop Camera Club's annual photo contest, and I decided to join the club; this was my first attempt to come out of seclusion. Soon after this, I entered my first art show in Austin with a small book that I made of photos faced by a poem. The poem inspired a photo or vice versa. The theme of the show was "God," and the participants entered their creations on the subject in any medium they preferred. I called my little book "Reflections and Celebrations of God." The photos celebrated nature's beauty, and the poetry reflected thoughts and emotions; all of these are the Great Spirit's handiwork. "The God Show" opened on my birthday; to me that was a sign of change in direction for my life in the coming year. I was thinking a lot about ways to make my photography and my poetry more consequential in my life, so I also joined the Austin Poetry Society; I was hoping to become more social and bring the inside out. The big message from the inside came on a long drive home from visiting my son-- out of state. I cut my visit a little short so that I could get home in time for "The God Show" and have time to take lots of pictures as I traveled, stopping all along toe way to get shots for the camera club's topic that month: "Old Buildings." It seemed as if I had been struck with an ESP virus: Every time I would think of a scene that I would like to photograph, there it would be, as if I knew that it was just down the road. I would think, "I'd like to see something like an old car in front of a building to add interest," and a few miles down the road, it would appear--an old barn with a fifties' truck out front. It happened again and again! I thought that a building on a hillside full of wildflowers would be nice, or maybe one with a big, old, dead tree framing it might be dramatic.  Then, I would drive around a curve or two and there it would be--not only a little old building on a hillside of flowers, but one with a big, old, dead tree framing it too. I stopped to take a picture, of course, and as I focused on the view, I thought about the one thing that would make it better. It was a gray, cloudy day, and I thought that it would be a perfect shot if the sun were shining. At the very instant that thought passed through my mind, a large ray of light broke through the clouds and shined on my envisioned scene. At that moment I knew that photography would play an important part in my future; I had a sign from God, a treasured moment when I felt our union within. I had such a feeling of love and joy that I cannot express it, but the physical sensation was one of warmth that grew from the center of my chest and spread throughout my body. I believe that there is a spark of divinity in us all, but we seldom experience the wonder of it, at least not to the extent that I did that day. My fondest desire would be to live this life in that constant state of mind, heart and soul.

When I got home, I excitedly called several friends to tell them my wonderful story. One of my friends told me that she believed that she was suppose to give me one of her cameras. She felt she needed to clear out the old to make room for the new, and she had thought of me on the receiving end of her cleansing process. However, since she had not heard form me in some time, she decided that if I called her on that Monday it would mean that I was the one to get the camera. Guess what? It was that very Monday when I called, which is no small coincidence since I often go for months sometimes without getting in touch. (As I have expressed earlier, I have been a bit to a hermit, but I am becoming more social, intentionally and with much effort.)

The camera was my propelling and outward sign that moved me to seek enrollment once again at ACC. The gift just happened to be a Pentax K 1000, the exact camera that the ACC Photo Department suggests to begin with. The Canon Sureshot that I own was not acceptable for the courses, because it has no manual modes. I was now ready on the outside to pursue what the inside longed for.

I have a good, natural eye for photography: most of the time I can picture in my mind what the camera will produce in the print. I also think that I have raw talent for storytelling and poetry. Through education I hope to bring out and combine these creative abilities, so that I can serve and be served. I want to serve, in some small way, through sharing creativity and inspiration; I will be served through the joy of expressing more clearly the beauty and synchronicity of the earth and the mind.

Maybe I am just beginning a new and grand voyage, but I should not diminish my experience so far. In my youth I have had many adventures. I traveled in ignorance--emotionally though relationships, and literally by hitchhiking and other risky journeys. These travels gave me wisdom and insight. I have grown and learned in ways that schools cannot teach. Even in the years of my hermitage, I was reflecting inward and examining where I was, who I was and where I wanted to go. My point is, I believe that no mater where we are or what we are doing that we are in school. How we respond to our lessons, not the outcome of the situation, is how we are graduated.

Now, I am going to enrich my life by educating myself through college, because it will support me in liberating what I have inside; and what I have inside is well worth bringing out. We all can be divinely inspired, if we will only allow that spark to shine through. If we venture to sail into our hearts desire to seek a newer world, "It my be the gulfs will wash us down," but if we never try we will surely never "...touch the Happy Isles..."

VCW

1993